Syfy loves to do original movies, which I never seem to catch, but when I saw the movie trailer for Thursday’s “Sharknado,” I knew this was must-see-TV. Indeed, quite possibly the movie I had been waiting for all my life. And I wasn’t disappointed.
If you’re reading that and thinking, “Hey, that looks sort of like a cross between ‘shark’ and ‘tornado,'” why, yes, you’d be right. And yes, it really follows the premise of a tornado full of sharks terrorizing LA.
Abandon logic, all ye who read on.
I don’t want to spoil such an epic tale of humanity and the triumph of good over evil, as they will repeat this a million times, but let me fill you in a bit on what you missed. First, Ian Ziering, and the hallmark of any fine film, Tara Reid. Yeah, I know, let that powerhouse of acting talent sink in… you are so kicking yourself right now for missing it based on that alone, aren’t you?
But oh yes, there’s more: Biblical references, chainsaws and sharks, a Ferris wheel of death, and the worst CGI you’ll ever see, which was worth the price of admission alone. Which, of course, was zip. Bring it on, Syfy!
So, not to spoil it too much, here’s a list of things I learned about making a cool movie for Syfy of my own. And, indeed, life itself. The mandatory elements:
- Include some kind of smarmy bad guy in the opening, even if it is about a natural disaster and he has nothing to do with it.
- Give animals powers they never had before, like flying when they normally swim.
- Girls in bikinis. You gotta have girls in bikinis or you lose the entire male audience.
- Scan TMZ for casting ideas.
- Find a guy that sort of reminds you of Gerard Butler, except older, uglier and has a day rate under $300.
- Keep plenty of barstools around to use as weapons, and when you leave the bar, take the stool with you, just in case. It also make a poignant symbol of your sacrifice for the greater good.
- Ferris wheels look fun, but they can crush a building like a twig.
- Make sure to include such Jungian archetypes as The Dirty Old Man, The Bitchy Ex-Wife, The Ungrateful Emo Daughter, and the Douchebag Step Dad Who is Probably Banging Your Ungrateful Emo Daughter.
- Sharks can burst through your windows, but you can crush them with a crappy IKEA bookcase.
- Why is all the traffic in the background moving at normal speeds?
- If filming in Hollywood, include at least one character who came there to be an actor, and kill him just when it looks like he’s safe. Golly, your audience will never see that coming.
- If you live in a tornado zone, stock up on bombs for the next tornado season. And watch this movie as a reference.
- If you make a movie with sharks, you must make a gratuitous “Jaws” reference somewhere, preferably something along the lines of “I think we’re going to need a bigger [INSERT NAME OF TRANSPORTATION HERE.]”
- Make some reference to the Bible, like the whole Jonah-in-the-belly-of-the-whale thing, but put your own twist on it. Preferably involving power tools. Jesus wept, indeed.
Many answered questions remain though, like just how many sharks can a tornado hold? How can they hold more sharks that the ocean itself holds? Oh, how I’m tormented with such existential questions. If only Nietzsche were still alive to explain it all to us.
Dear Syfy executives — though I dare not hope I am worthy, I anxiously await your call to Hollywood to be a screenwriter for Syfy. I’m your number one fan.
Behold, the trailer for a work of art like no other, “Sharknado.”