If you have vampires or you have Italian giallo legend Darío Argento, you know you’re going to have blood. And if you if you have both together, and you know you’re going to have a lot of blood. Normally, we would also presume that with a master like Argento at the helm, a movie would be stylish and well-done, if somewhat gory.


I’m a huge fan of Argento, and all his beautifully bloody past work, especially his classic “Suspiria.” It’s hard to dispute how creepy and how well done that film is, although I’m sure there are a few people out there that have panned it. I’m sure Argento is sick of everyone telling them how great that film was, and wants to hear how good “Dracula: 3-D” is. And I would really love to say that, as well.

However… I find myself in the very difficult position of having to say bad things about the work of someone who I’ve admired for a long time in the horror film industry. I keep trying to tell myself that Argento’s latest film, “Dracula: 3D,” is trying to be cleverly campy and have fun with the old-fashioned horror films. I’m trying to tell myself that, but it’s just not working.

I just don’t know how else to say it… I did not like this movie at all.

Even trying to interpret it in a campy way, the acting was just so bad. And, oh God help us, the CGI is probably the worst CGI I have ever seen, especially the praying mantis. Speaking of which, can someone please explain to me the whole praying mantis thing? Okay, I know Dracula can shape shift into other things besides bats or wolves, and I’m okay with that, but what the fuck are we doing with the praying mantis transformation, and a really bad one at that?


Also, let’s talk about the sets. I just kept looking at the styling and the props and it felt like the whole thing came from a Goodwill or dumpster diving. It all looked cheap and tacky and not in a kitsch, hip way.

I love Argento… I love the work his daughter Asia has done… I love Rutger Hauer… but I just can’t love this movie. If you want to have fun with the old-style of movies, take a look at Francis Ford Coppola’s “Bram Stoker’s Dracula.” That’s how you do it.

I still love you Darío, but I have to tell movie fans you’d be better off to watch Coppola’s “Dracula” and “Suspiria” instead of this. I’m sorry, but it’s true. If that seems harsh, read some other reviews and you’ll see I’m being much kinder than most.

Please don’t ever make me be mean to you again, Dario. Please.

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