THE MADNESS: CIRCUS Week 4!

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Clown photo by me. These guys were so damn creepy peeking through the curtains

Movies/TV

Last Week: I forgot to include my binge of Scream Queens last week but was approved to include it this week by the Head Hauntress.

Scream Queens
4 points
No bonuses
Episodes 1-4 binge catch up. Chanel is as bad as ever, Niecy is a show stealer again and Jamie Lee is always awesome. I don’t want to give spoilers away, but by the 4th episode, this show finally gets serious about killing off some main characters. And the Ivanka Trump killer costume is genius.
4:00
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

Week 4

Death: A Love Story
6 points
ATB for homicidal clown
Anthology that was surprisingly good. I didn’t see that coming on the Hooker story.
1:`17
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

Thinner
3 points
Bonus: Traveling Gypsy Carnival (Wildcard Tom Holland)
Stephen King classic, and I’m alwyas a sucker for a gypsy fortuneteller. (King of the Gypsies is one of my favorite movies, although I think a young Eric Roberts might have some part in that)
2:00 (tv)
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

Dreamcatcher
2 points
No bonuses
I love me some Oly (Timothy Olyphant) even if he doesn’t make itall the way through. King really has a thing for weirdo kids fighting the supernatural even after they grow up.
2:00 (tv)
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

Blade
2 points
No bonuses
review
2:00 (tv)
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

Holidays
6 points
ATB for homicidal clown
Seriously creepy kid alert in the St. Patty’s day story. WTF? That was a weird segment. I was pleasantly surpised with this anthology as well, taking other holidays to make some really creepy stories.
1:45
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

The Secrets of Emily Blair
2 points
No bonuses
I didn’t know demonic possession turns blondes brunette. And they say blondes have more fun. This actress is horrible playing some possessed Barbie type.
1:35
1 out of 5 creepy clowns

The Collector
2 points
No bonuses
Opening credits are oh-so-Se7en. This is a pretty good movie, actually. Derivative, sure, but creepy.
1;29
3.5 out of 5 creeepy clowns

Clown
ATB Killer Clown
6 points
Who double books a clown? Suburban fear and loathing when some poor schmuck tries to be a good dad by filling in when the clown doesn’t show for his son’s birthday party (Anyone else think of Steve Martin in Parenthood?) with disastrous results when he can’t take off the cursed clown costume. Reminded me of another movie I watched but damn if I can remember the name. They are all running together at this point
1:39
3 out of 5 creepy clowns

Killer Legends
6 points
ATB for real life killer clown John Wayne Gacy
I love this documentary on the real origins of urban legends. Real life can be a lot scarier than fiction.
1:24
4.5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Killer Klowns from Outer Space
6 points
Is that ice cream driver The Captain from Captain and Tennille? A blow up raft in the back of a pickup. how romantic
1:26
3.5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Slaughter High
6 pts
ATB for homicidal jester
No, that’s not fair… these assholes had it coming. Why should they get revenge on him for getting revenge? I call bullshit. There should be a Caroline Munro wildcard just because she rocks.
3 out of 5 creepy clowns

13 Ghosts
2 points
No bonuses
I hate that lispy kid, but love Matthew Lillard. If this family is so poor, how can they afford that nanny? HUGE logic flaw.
2 hours (TV)
3 out of 5 cerepy clowns, all of which go to Lillard

Killjoy
6 points
ATB for Killer clown
Do I really want to sit through three of these on this dvd set? What is it with ice cream truck clowns and dolls in creepy clown movies?
1:12
1 out of 5 creepy clowns

Killjoy 2: Deliverance from Evil
6 points
ATB for killer clown
Ugh. still another one after this. With characters named Ray-Ray and Ce-Ce, what can you really expect?
1:17
1 out of 5 creepy clowns

Killjoy 3
6 points
ATB for killer clown
I can’t believe I bought this fucking triple play dvd.
1:16
2 out of 5 creepy clowns

Walking Dead
1 point
No bonuses
A much tamer episode this week. The best part is watching Carol being kind of a jackass making fun of the Kingdom, then getting called on her shit.
1:00
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

Paranormal Lockdown Halloween Special
2 points
No bonuses
This Halloween special they sort of amped up the drama, and I would prefer they not do that. I feel Nick and Katrina are genuine, but they need to be careful about overdoing it when filming. Good episode though. I did an interview with the two when they were filming at Waverly Hills, and this is just a small part of it.Most will be saved for the second season preview”

‘Paranormal Lockdown: Black Monk House’ Halloween Special: Interview With Nick Groff And Katrina Weidman On Scariest Episode Yet


2:00
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

Kindred Spirits
1 point
No bonuses
This isn’t the non stop action of many paranromal shows, but that’s what makes it so credible. I did a 3-part interview with these two here:

‘Kindred Spirits’: Exclusive Interview With Former ‘Ghost Hunters’ Amy Bruni And Adam Berry On Their New Paranormal Series [Part 1]

‘Kindred Spirits’: Exclusive Interview With Adam Berry And Amy Bruni [Part 2]

‘Kindred Spirits’: Amy Bruni And Adam Berry On The One Paranormal Investigation They Never Want To Do


1:00
4.5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Halloween Favorites: They just have to be done, points be damned

Halloween
6 points
ATB for kid in clown costume kills
I dig Rob Zombie’s aesthetic, but there is only one Halloween.
1:31

Trick r’ Treat
2 points
no bonuses
This is now my favorite Halloween theme movie, sorry John Carpenter. Absp;ute perfection, weaving together different stories and Halloween lore.
1:22
5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Suspiria
2 points
No bonuses
My favorite Argento film of all time. Deliciously beautiful AND gory. And scary as hell.
1:32
5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Hellraiser
2 points
no bonuses
I love, love, LOVE Clive Barker, and even though the acting is terrible here by the lead and the budget is low, meaning some cheesy effects, Pinhead was a whole new beast in the horror villain worked, and he stands up well to the test of time. But an even  more chilling one is Clare Higgins as Julia, working that high gothic femme fatale thing.
1:34
5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Nightmare on Elm Street
2 points
No bonuses
This is a must every Halloween. Sure, some of the acting is pretty bad, but this still stands as probably the movie that scared me the most the first time I saw it. I was afriad to go to sleep. Well done Wes Craven.
1:31
4.5 out of 5 creepy clowns for bad acting

Return of the Living Dead
2 points
No bonuses
Best. Zombie.Movie. Ever.
1:31
5 out of 5 creepy clowns

87 points if I counted correctly, finishing this while half asleep. Alas, I doubt his is enough to take second place, but it’s good to get some new blood in the top two, right?

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THE MADNESS: CIRCUS Week 3!

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Another creepy clowns photo by me.

Yes, I sucked this week. Life has been getting in the way of just sitting around all day watching movies, but I promise I will go out Hallwoeen week with a bang. (So keep plugging away team for the team championship) I got some favorites in this week, but stillholding off for some of the biggies till next week and Halloween.

Special Bonuses

Nada

Movies

Rob Zombie’s 31
6 points
ATB for homicidal clowns
Rob Zombie always divides people into two extreme camps. I love his style even when I see flaws in his films, but I thought this was a step forward for him from a critical perspective. I don’t really get the 31 thing, other than Rob being obsessed with Halloween.
1:45
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

Walking Dead (S6E12, S6E13, S7E1)
3 points
No bonuses
I watched the last two episodes of Season 6 leading into the Season 7 premiere last night (almsot forgot to count those two old ones.) No clowns or carnivals, but that was some fucked up shit. I’d still do Negan though. Sue me.
3:00
4.5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Near Dark
2 points
No bonuses
One of my favorite vamp flicks of all time. Love the dark moodiness of it and the sicck humor of that bar scene. Bigelow is so much better at directing than her ex-husband.
1:45
5 out of 5 creepy clowns

The Lost Boys
3 points
1 for boardwalk
I have never stopped obsessing over Jami Gertz’s gypsy skirt. The two Coreys. Jason Patric. Kiefer Sutherland. And I adore Dianne Wiest. Pure awesome.
1:45
5 out of 5 creepy clowns

30 Days of NIght
2 points
No bonuses
Yeah, I’m on a vampire kick here. This is what vampires should be – scary and ugly as fuck. Even Ethan Hawke is bearable in this,and Ben Foster… oh, how wonderful he is in his small role, as usual.
1:45
4.5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Halloween Wars
1 points
Bonus for Sid Haig as guest judge
I was just watching this for fun when I saw Sid was judging. Pretty sure this is his first time on the show? Anyway, those Sugar Psychos seem unstoppable for the final crown.
1:00
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

976-EVIL
2 points
No bonuses
One of my favorite horror films directed by Freddy Krueger and oh-so-80s. Dig that show phone in the beginning sequence. Plus remembering when 900 numbers first came out and were the big thing. Campy and creepy.
1:00
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

American Werewolf in London
2 points
No bonuses
Still also feeling that full moon and into werewolves. How can anyone not love this classic, plus I hold a specil place in my heart for “Nurse Price.” I guess I shoudl consider myself warned to never take stray paitents home with me, LOL.
1:00
5 out of 5 creepy clowns

The Howling
2 points
No bonuses
I know many would argue AWINL as the best wereowlf movie, but The Howling is my personal favorite. Love the sly humor and the creepy irony of those samn smiley face sticker. Kills me every time.
1:00
5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Full Eclipse
2 points
No bonus points
I know, I know.. Mario van Peebles doesn’t exactly scream “quality cinema,” especially for a werewolf movie, but I think this is a nice little sleeper with a great twist on the werewolf legend.
2:00
3.5 out of 5 creepey clowns

The Serpent and the Rainbow
2 points
No bonuses
Now I’m on a voodoo kick. EXCELLENT movie on a very real practive, although the supernatural side embellished. One of my favortie horror movies of all time and soem seriously creepy shit.
2:00
5 out of 5 creepy clowns

The Believers
2 points
No bonusesMore voodoo, with Martin Sheen and his son coming under attack after his wife is killed in a freak accident. Jimmy Smits has a small role and suffers an especially bad voodoo curse. And let’s not even go into what happens to Sheens new girlfriend. Ick.
2:00
4.5 out of 5 creepy clowns

American Horror Story: Roanoke
1 point
Sarah Paulson, but it’s already in genreNot sure how I feel about this season compared to previous ones. Kathhy Bates is outstanding as always, but the problem with the format is we know the main characters survive, so it takes a lot of suspense out of it. Her name escapes me at the moment, but the actress from 6 Feet Under was stellar this episode, with her backwater, hillbilly human beef jerky. She has a sort of quirky, dtizy quality like Dianne Wiest, but much darker.
1:00
3.5 creepy clowns

Total points: 30

 

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The Madness: Circus Week 2!

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(Photo of creepy clowns at Theatre Bizarre by me)

I think that Friday evening and Saturday off killed my momentum, as I was enjoying the quiet of no TV (and no screaming) and had a hard time getting back in the groove. I also found myself this week wanting to do some non clown horror. I figure it will even out in the end when I would have run out later in The Madness anyway. Hey, it’s Halloween season and I can’t neglect all my other favorite horror movies, right? (Rhetorical question) So here it is: Week 2 is a little weak, but then it was last year for me too as I was doing a temp job all week and couldn’t watch much.

Sorry, I’m a bit late… I created a template for the last two weeks and I swear I am going to keep up a lot better this time so I’m not doing my whole round-up at once.

Special Bonuses

No outside events this week. I’ve been a workaholic recluse. And broke. 🙁

Movies/TV

Sunday

The Devil’s Rejects
6 points
ATB for homicidal clown, and sex with a clown
Okay, Capt Spaulding is in this one as well as HOTC, but he is only wearing the clown makeup this time rather than the whole suit, but we know he does the whole get up and gets angry when people diss clowns, so he clearly identifies as a clown. That’s my argument. This is a homage to retro exploitation horror, with Sherri Moon and Bill Mosely terrorizing two couples and sexually humiliating the women in particular. Otis’ look is considerably tamed down from HOTC, and he’s more like a homicidal Greg Allman. The woman replacing Karen Black sucks and was too over the top. Great music, but I’m a little pissed at Rob Zombie for using “Freebird” at the end, because I always wanted to write a “going out in blaze of glory” scene to that song. Fucker.
1:47
3 out of 5 creepy clowns

The Creeping Flesh
2 points
No Bonuses
Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee… SIGH. No clowns in this, but this has always been one of my favorite movies with these two. I can’t really pin down why, but I know when I watched it at a young, impressionable age, it scared me. Hence, it has become a favorite “comfort” movie like the horror movie equivalent of mac and cheese.
1:34
5 out of 5 creepy clowns

The Company of Wolves
2 points
No bonuses
Another clown free movie but one of my favorite dark fariy tales and werewolf movies. I love the strange tics of the actor playing the Big Bad Wolf in this Little Red Riding Hood homage. And the subtle, but very present sexuality in his performance. We need more werewolves likethis, please. ‘Kay thanks.
1:35
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

Sunday total: 10 points

 

Monday/Tuesday

AHS: Freakshow Episodes 1 – 13
39 points
ATB for homicidal clown (Twisty then Dandy)
(This is one story/movie broken down into installments so I am treating it as one movie/mini series) I think this is probably my favorite season of AHS of all. While the New Orleans Coven started strong, it degenerated into campy muck and I hated that. I’m sure my obsession with dark carnivals and being the outcast has a lot to do with this as well. The backstories of the characters are heartbreaking and really elevate the whole thing, although Ryan Murphy always finds a way to make a few missteps each season, but this one is as close to flawless as it gets for me. Loved Jessica Lange’s German accent covers of Bowie and Lana. And also loved the great use of that sort of surreal quality Wes Bentley has. I can’t put my finger on it, but he has a sort of dreamy, otherwordly vibe about him. The Tupperware Massacre is hilarious, and a case where the campy factor works well. The Orphans episode is heartbreaking. Someone please give that actress who has played Pepper an Emmy already.
1:00 each = 13:00
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

Monday/Tuesday Total: 39 points

 

Wednesday

Splash Area: Night of the Freaks
6 points
ATB for homicidal clown
Maybe it was the porn scene right before it, but for a second there I thought that dude was Ron Jeremy from his profile. Now that’s a fucking horror. These idiots try to get away from someone chasing them by climbing up the tower on playground equipment, like 4 feet off the ground? Just kill them already for terminal stupidity. This is trying to be the raunchy horror version of The Princess Bride with Ron Jeremy telling kids a story. Murderous gang in clown makeup, although there is some little trick or treater running around in full clown costume. Kill someone already you little shit so I can get my ATB for this garbage! Wait, they are practising some clown schtick in a room with amusment park crap, so I am calling them clowns by profession, and Ron Jeremy is referring to them as clowns. ATB!
1:30
1 out of 5 creepy clowns

Jingles the Clown
6 points
ATB for homicidal clown
Welcome to the Crackers and Jingles Show? That just screams homicidal clown. Hey wait, “Tommy Brunswick” sounds familiar. And so is John Anton… I worked with some of these people when I did stills photography for Lee Martin’s The Midnight Hour in Detroit! For the sake of being nice, I don’t have much more to say about this, although it is better than most of the independent horror films I have been watching. But oh,some bad acting in there.
1:23
2 out of 5 creepy clowns

Scary or Die
6 points
ATB for homicidal clown
I was a little irritated at this for using a clown on the poster, implying a lot of clown action in this anthology. Fortunately there was one story where this poor guy is bit by the kid’s party clown from hell with Tim Curry “It” teeth,and he transforms into a sort of zombie clown, including going from African-American to his skin turning into the color of greasepaint. Dig that white afro. The other stories were pretty good, especially “Taejung’s Lament” with a good mix of horror in this five story antho.
1:34
3.5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Wednesday Total: 18 points

 

Thursday

Silver Bullet
2 points
No bonuses
We’re approaching the full moon, so I start getting antsy for werewolf movies. Busey. Haim. Stephen King. Werewolf priests. How can you go wrong?
1:35
5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Lord of Illusions
2 points
No bonuses
One of my favorite movies of all time, and a tragically underrated one by Clive Barker. Interesting note: Barker did a short monologue on a Criss Angel song before he became famous.Lord of Illusions is about an illusionist pretending to be fake when he is real. Is life imitating art? You decide.
1:35
5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Evil Dead
3 points
Bruce Campbell wildcard
Even without the wildcard, this is mandatory every Halloween season. I normally like my horror straight up horror with little or no humor, but Bruce Campbell always delivers exceptions to the rule. I favor this one over ED2.
1:49
5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Evil Dead 2
3 points
Bruce Campbell wildcard
Where the original had soem genuinely creepy things mixed into the humor (cellar girl, “we’re gonna get you…”) this is just straight up slapstick comedy. But it’s not a bad thing. Bruce Campbell is still a silver fox, but damn, he was smokin’ back then.
1:24
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

 

Thursday Total: 10 points

 

Friday

Supernatural S12 E1
1 point
No bonuses
Yeah, I know this show jumped the shark a long time ago, but I love the characters and J2. Sue me. Mama Winchester has been resurrected and Cass is kicking ass. Crowley remains Crowley ( I always get Ozzy Osbourne in my head when he is on screen… “Mr. Crowley, what went on in your head?…”
1:00
3 out of 5 creepy clowns

Viewing party

The Houses That October Built
(6 points)
ATB for homicidal clown
Annoying character you sort of root for to die right away,and that “twist” ending that they hunters were the hunted was so obvious to us, as it should have been to them when creepy doll girl showed up the second time. DUH. However, the ending has some good scares, imagining yourself in that situation, and particularly bad for claustrophobics. And I love getting a glimpse into Halloween haunts.
1:31
3 out of 5 creepy clowns

Mockingbird
(6 points)
ATB for homicidal clown
I was like “Oh God, another found footage movie,” but Leonard fucking rocks. That’s all you need to know.
1:21
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

Stitches
(6 points)
ATB for homicidal clown
More douchebag kids who deserve to die. Very reminiscent of We All Scream for Ice Cream with the fatal clown accident, then return from the dead for revenge. The egg tradition was interesting — didn’t know that about “copyrighting” their face designs on ceramic eggs.
1:26
2 out of 5 creepy clowns

Triple Play Viewing party Bonus: 25 points

Friday total: 26 points

 

Saturday

Secrets of the Clown
6 points
ATB for homicidal clown
We just go right to big, fake boobies, don’t we? He’s a sleazy looking guy wearing a necklace. Kill them already. Yes! Homicidal clown for the ATB! Psychic goth girl picks up on clown killer.  Uh-oh, something up with that clown doll. Jesus, I know it’s low bduget, but that doesn’t have to mean stupid… love the microscope in the hospital room. Clown doll in a microwave? Bad dialogue, bad acting,bad set dressing. Bad, bad, bad.
1:41
1 out of 5 creepy clowns

Fear of Clowns 2
6 points
ATB for homicidal clown
Jesus, amateur hour again. Can someone instruct budding horror filmmakers about the concept of LIGHTING. Colourophobia reference, Monica Lewinsky moderating press conference. There are some seriously scary clown makeups here. How is someone’s car on fire funny? I knew he helped them find her. What a dick.
1:47
2 out of 5 creepy clowns

Exorcist III
2 points
No bonuses
No clowns, just wanted a creepy movie. George C. Scott is so oevr the top, but love so many creepy things about this movie. The kill methods, the religous imagery, the dream sequence withteh angel swing band… and those scary big shears.
1:50
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

The Forest
2 points
No bonuses
I hate it when people do stupid shit, and they deserve what they get when they do. A) twin sister going into suicide forest (which is a  real thing) B) protagonist sister being stubborn and insisting on staying when they could have easily come back the next morning with the guide  C) following the girl who is obviously a ghost and D) leaving the fucking campsite. This is another idea I am pissed someone did because I saw a documentary on this forest and wated to write something about it. Fucker.
1:33
3 out of 5 creepy clowns

Saturday Total: 16 points

 

Weekly Point Total: 119 points

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THE MADNESS: CIRCUS Week 1!

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Outside Events

Attended Scarefest in Lexington KY for Friday and Saturday. – 2 points

The Head Hauntress had a hard time accessing the event website to create personal challenges as it was overloaded, but per the FB group post, this video of Gwar saying “Enjoy the Madness” is at least 20 points –  20 points

Circus envy video – did you tell me 10 points for this? Can’t find where I asked.

31 panel with discussions of killer clowns – 10 points?

Celebrity Ghost Hunt with Chip Coffey and Ghost Hunt Weekends crew – We investigated the James Pepper Distillery which is being renovated, and were the first group to ever get access to the site. We were divided into three groups, and two different groups made contact with a “Bob” through a spirit box. Our group also had a strange thermal image on a brick wall, plus we kept getting pleas for help from someone named “Ethel.” 2 points

Up to 54 points pending The Hauntresses ruling on the videos given she could not access the Scarefest site prior to teh event to issue personal challenges in advance

Secret Bonuses This Week (Summaries Below)

Here’s  a summary of what I think may be the secret bonuses for quick scanning. These are my guesses that I watched this week, as there are multiple options for some.

10 POINTS
1920 – Dark Carnival – The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari
1982 – Scary Clown Doll – Poltergeist. Duh.
1983 – Dark Carnival – Something Wicked This Way Comes
1990 – Traveling Circus – The Rainbow Thief
1992 – Rockband Clowns – Bad Channels
1997 – Demonic Clown – Spawn
2007 – Back for Revenge Clown – We All Scream for Ice Cream, (100 Tears, Dead Silence)
2007 – Serial Killer Clown – Drive Thru, (Fraternity Massacre at Hell Island)
2009 – Scary Clown Doll – The Hole
2010 – Happy vs Sad Clown – The Last Circus

15 POINTS
1980 – Rockband Clowns – Terror on Tour
1987 – Happy but Scary Singing Clown – Blood Harvest
2003 – Clown as Profession (Documentary) – Capturing the Friedmans

20 POINTS (NON HORROR but ACCEPTED GENRE)
2010 – Clown Gang STILL NO FUCKING CLUE

Maximum of 145 points

________________________________________

Sunday

House of 1000 Corpses
6 points
ATB for homicidal clown, you middle class, Malibu Barbie pieces of shit.
I know this is one of those movies people love or hate. I happen to love it. Derivative? One man’s “derivative” is another’s “homage.” It takes me back to a lot of old horror films I love, even if Rob Zombie tried to pack too many ideas into one film. You have to give props to a film with Karen Black, Walt Goggins, Chris Hardwick and a soundtrack that includes Buck Owens.
1:45
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

Amusement
6 points
ATB for homicidal clown/attack by a clown “doll.”
Not just creepy clown dolls, including a life size one, but a creepy laugh. Nice twists and turns that I missed the first time around, although they seem quite obvious now when watching.
1:25
3.5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Poltergeist
6 or 10 points for secret bonus
ATB for attacking clown doll
I hadn’t seen this movie in a long time, and while some of it stands the test of time well, but that scene where the invesigator looks in the bedroom for the first time is just ridiculous, as is a steak sliding across the counter. Also, JoBeth WIlliam’s joy at living in a house where chairs and children slide across the floor. Hint: That’s where you are supposed to get the hell out, not after Satan drags your child off to another dimension. There’s a “life hack” for you.
1:54
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari
6 or 10 points if secret bonus
ATB for homicidal clown/mime
Oh how I wish I had kept up my German. Classic surreall set design and creepy killer.
1:07
4.5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Halloween Wars
4 points per Hauntress challenge
Elvira is back like every season to judge edible Halloween scenes. The short challenge involved evil selfies, and then the big witch and warlock face off. Team Sugar Psychoes took both and are off to a strong start. 1:00
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

It
9 points
ATB for homicidal clown
What is that crazy thing Tim Curry does when he talks, the way he curls his lips, that is so creepy? Classic Stephen King miniseries and the creepiest clown ever, quite possibly. Yet another unnecessary remake of a classic. We ALL float down here…
3:07
5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Monday

Something Wicked this Way Comes
6 or 10 points if secret bonus
Secret bonus or ATB for Dark Carnival collecting souls
This may very well be the ultimate dark carnival movie: a very creepy (and spidery) fortuneteller; a dignified dealmaking devil; and Jason Robards for the win. I hate spiders, so anyone who has seen this knows there is a particularly bad scene in this one for arachnaphobes. I did find it odd When Mr. Dark (Jonathan Pryce) asked Jason Robards where the boys were. You can make people young again but you can’t find the boys yourself through telepahy or something?
1:35
5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Spawn
3 or 10 points for secret bonus
Wild Card John Leguizamo
Oh HELL no,he did not just eat that piece of pizza with live maggots on it. John Leguizamo is insane in real life as well as his portrayal; of the demented clown in Spawn. This movie is so sad for poor Spawn, but so deliciously full of evil fun with Leguizamo.
1:36
3.5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Terror on Tour
6 or 10 points if secret bonus
Secret bonus or ATB for homicidal clown and multiple instances of sex with clowns
Dear God, I know this was supposed to be a riff on Kiss, but who came up with that makeup? And who choose those afros? Those mime leotards? PS. We can tell you totally ripped off the riff from AC/DC’s “Let There Be Rock.”
1:27
2 out of 5 creepy clowns for so bad it’s good factor

The Last Circus
6 or 10 points if secret bonus
Secret bonus or ATB for homicidal clown
Sweet baby, Jesus, I wanted to like this, but for the love of god that narrator never SHUT UP. I don’t mind foreign films and subtitles, but the Spanish chatter was non stop, even when characters weren’t saying anything and it continued well into credits. SHUT UP for chrissakes. Which is shame because as annoyed with it as I was, I could see some great filmmaking, and loved the last scene. In hindsight, I should have just turned the sound off because I think it would have worked just fine on subtitiles and performances alone. Bizarre love triangle between an acrobat, and her abusive “happy” clown husband, and “sad clown” nice boyfriend. Ultimately, they destroy her with their fighting.
2:05
2 out of 5 creepy clowns due to non stop chatter

The Rainbow Thief
2 or 10 points if secret bonus

Secret bonus or Wild Card ALEJANDRO JODOROWSKY
I freely admit Emily tipped me off to this one when she saw the wild card list. And she had it on her Plex. I had never heard of it, which is amazing witgh Christopher Lee, who plays an eecentric old rich man. Dalmatians at the table eating caviar and humans being fed big bones, and a harem of scantily clad females in a rainbow of colors fawning over him as he rides his saddle scooter that serves as his wheelchair. Plus Peter O’Toole and Omar Shariff. PS. When you shock someone in cardiac arrest, if you are touching the bed you get shocked too. That’s why we say “CLEAR!” And chicks dig Christopher Lee
1:29

4 out of 5 creepy clowns

Ash Vs Evil Dead Weekly challenge 201
6 points for special challenge
I know it’s the same schtick as from last season, but for some reason I found this funnier than usual. Ash better be careful sidling up to Lucy Lawless, even if she is a hot MILF.
.5
5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Tuesday

Dead Silence
6 points or 10 for secret bonus
ATB for attacking clown doll or secret bonus
A lot of people don’t like this movie but I think it is creepy as hell. Donnie Wahlberg is over the top at being over the top, but I can forgive that. I love creepy dolls, even if I missed that madness.
1:29
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

The Hole
6 points or 10 for secret bonus
ATB for clown doll attack-or secret bonus
I hadn’t seen this till last year’s madness, but that creepy jester mad a lasting impression on me. Nice cameo with Bruce Dern, who is awesome.
1:32
3.5 out of 5 creepy clowns

100 Tears
6 points or 10 points for secret bonus
ATB for homicidal clown or secret bonus
The opening credits were promising, then it went straight to hell, and not in a good way. Poor lighting, sound, writing and acting. No suspense, backstory etc, just jumps right in. When the best part of your movie is using Voltaire’s “When You’re Evil,” you have a problem
1:30
1 out of 5 creepy clowns

Drive Thru
6 or 10 points if secret bonus
ATB for homicidal clown or secret bonus
“Fast food kills, fuckers!” Indeed. This is a scary clown makeup, and this is how you do cheeky horror satire. Awesome cameo by Morgan Spurlock as a fast food joint manager. (“Super Size Me” dude)
1:23
3 out of 5 creepy clowns

Batman Returns
6 points
ATB for homicidal clowns
I only watched this because I was hoping there was a rock band clown scene in here as I hadn’t found it yet. I really can’t stand Michael Keaton as Batman, although I love Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman and Danny DeVito as The Penguin.
2:06
3 out of 5 creepy clowns

Clown Town
12 points
Special double bonus this week
What’s worse than a killer clown? Why, a whole gang of killer clowns. Especially really scary ones as these are. I suspect the “based on real events” element is mighty slim here. Or hope so.
1:26
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

Wednesday

Bad Channels
2 points or 10 for secret bonus
I never thought I would find that damn 1992 rock band clowns movie. Emily was vexed too, till I finally saw this rock themed movie and thought, there has to be a clown band in there somewhere. And there was. Martha Quinn of MTV VJ fame as an intrepid reporter who stumbles on a radio stationn taken over by aliens kidnapping and minaturizing women. Yeah.
1:28
3 out of 5 creepy clowns

Blood Harvest
3 points or 10 for secret bonus
Wild Card Tiny Tim or secret bonus, although I’m not sure how “happy” he is while being scary
Just weird Tiny Tim vehicle that feels more 70s than 1987. I figured out the end long before the end. Loads of gratuitous nudity, including some full frontal. Normally i woudl complain about the alck of equal male:female nudity, but given this stars Tiny Tim that is probably a good thing.
1:28
2 out of 5 creepy clowns

AHS: Roanoke E3 and E4
2 points total
Had to catch up on this series, which is a far cry from the over the top Hotel and Freakshow. I’m keeping an open mind, but it is a bit slow, and the real life vs re enactments a bit gimmicky. Just tell the story.
2:00
3 out of 5 creepy clowns

The Crow
6 points
ATB for homicidal mime
I know this doesn’t need a remake, but I love Jason Momoa, so I am keeping an open mind. He has beena fan of the movie and is relaly into it, and if you have seen Road to Paloma, you  can see he may be able to pull this off. He can do more than muscle men and super heroes. But nothing and no one will ever replace Brandon Lee, RIP.
1:42
5 out of 5 creepy clowns

The Crow: City of Angels
6 points
ATB for homocidal mime
Not quite as successful as the original, but still great eye candy with a darker fetish-y theme. And oh, how Iggy Pop shines here!
1:24
3 out of 5 creepy clowns

Thursday

Clownhouse
6 points
ATB for homicidal clowns
I freakin’ LOVE this movie! it’s a shame the director got caught up in some pedo controversy, and the film was buried. Three lunatics escape from the asylum and disguise themselves as clowns, terrorizing this poor kid who was already afraid of clowns. That’s gonna be a huge therapy bill!
1:21
5 out of 5 creepy clowns

The Funhouse
6 points
ATB for Dark carnival ride
Now this is a classic. Tobe Hooper has some stupid kids decide to spend the night in the funhouse, only to discover some sociopathic owners and a disfured freak in real life. Can’t help but think Tiny in House of 1000 Corpses was influenced by this. We know Rob Zombie loves those vintage horror films.
1:36
5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Capturing the Friedmans
10 points for secret bonus (pretty sure this is right for documentary)
Documentary about a teacher andsometime clown performer arrested for child pornography, as well as one of his sons. The documentary features footage of the ordeal shot by the family as well as new footage that calls into question whether these men actually molested anyone. (The father admitted to being a pedophile and having child pornography but supposedly plead guilty to save his son with a plea deal.) As it turned out, the son served time as well. And that poor wife/mother as the outcast in her own home with her husband and three boys who bonded and made their own clique. Very sad.
1:47
4.5 out of 5 creepy clowns

We All Scream for Ice Cream
3 or 10 points for secret bonus
ATB for homicidal clown
What happens when voodoo meets ice cream trucks vendors from beyond. Tasty treats that leave their targets in a melty gooey mess.Kind of silly, but fun.
57 minutes
3.5 out of 5 stars

Fraternity Massacre at Hell Island
6 points or 10 for secret bonus
ATB for homicidal cown or secret bonus
Dear lord, I can’t say I have ever seen anything quite like this. I knwo it wasn’t meant ot be taken seriously, but isi ti really the good kind of bad. Not really. Except I love how the homicidal clown dances over dead bodies. That bit is a keeper.
1:20
2 out of 5 creepy clowns

93 points if secret bonus guesses are correct (I didn’t count my first guesses in this total, but everything else)

max possible: 54 + 145 + 93 = 292

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Retro Cinema: ‘Hellraiser’

It’s no coincidence that this week’s Retro Cinema choice is “Hellraiser.” Because in case you haven’t heard, the remake has been given a green light. Now, I know you hard-core horror fans like me are out there saying “Oh, God no, not another remake!” But fasten your seatbelts kids, because for once this is good news: Clive Barker is gonna direct and Doug Bradley is coming back as Pinhead.

Now that’s how you do a freakin’ remake.

When Barker first directed “Hellraiser,” he had a very limited budget and in fact, he confesses in the DVD commentary that he basically got the resurrection scene special effects done for much less than what it should’ve cost (only $25,000) because the studio liked what they saw of the film and threw a few more dollars their way. That scene wasn’t even in the original script due to not having a budget for it.

I think it’s fair to say that this time around, Barker won’t face those kinds of problems. Nor have to resort to the cheesy painted in special effects he did himself — those being my main criticism of the original as well as the pretty dreadful acting of Ashley Laurence (sorry, but it’s true.) Sure, there are a few things that went wrong, but a whole lotta things went right.

While I’m sure most people reading this have seen the film, I don’t want to give away too much just in case, but let’s just say after “Hellraiser,” people really didn’t look at hooks and chains quite the same way again. Nor their prim and proper British wives.

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Retro Cinema: ‘Silver Bullet’

Retro Cinema: ‘Silver Bullet’

How can you go wrong when you mix Stephen King, Gary Busey, and one of the Coreys? Trick question… You can’t go wrong. Plus if you add in a few werewolves, and some campy gore, you’ve got a big bundle of 80s horror known as “Silver Bullet.”

Corey Haim plays Marty, a boy stuck in a wheelchair that’s been dubbed the Silver Bullet. The story is narrated by his older sister, Jane (Megan Follows), reminiscing about the past. But in the present the story’s set in, she pretty much feels that he’s a pain in the butt. That starts to change and they find themselves coming together when people in their small town are turning up not only dead, but ripped to pieces. And the murders are metaphorically ripping the town apart as well.

When Marty’s best friend becomes the latest victim, the townsfolk seek some vigilante justice and want to hunt down whoever — or whatever — is killing people, despite pleas from the local sheriff. Of course, they go out hunting it at night. During a full moon.

Do I really need to tell you how that’s going to end? Yeah.

When Uncle Red (Busey) comes to visit Marty and Jane, that’s when things get really interesting. After Uncle Red builds Marty a supercharged motorized wheelchair and gives him some fireworks, Marty sneaks out in the middle the night to go set them off. Little does he know, this will bring him face to face with the beast that is terrorizing his town. During this late-night confrontation, Marty injures the werewolf, putting out an eye. It escapes, so Marty and Jane go on a hunt around town to find out who has a telltale injured eye. And suffice it to say, it is not the person they expected.

Unfortunately, the werewolf knows that they know, so they have to rely on Uncle Red to protect them when the beast comes to attack the only ones who know his identity.

The movie is based on Stephen King’s short story, “Cycle of the Werewolf.” Many King adaptations tend to turn into more campy fun than horror when they hit the screen, and this film follows that trend. That doesn’t mean it isn’t good… I mean, this is a classic 80s horror film that’s a lot of fun. And I’ve always been really partial to werewolves, but don’t expect any fancy transformation scenes in this one. In fact, I think the werewolf sort of looks like a teddy bear — I’m guessing that wasn’t exactly the effect they were going for.

Of course, there’s a bittersweet element to it now in light of Haim’s early demise, and the living train wreck that Busey has become. This is a pre-“Lost Boys” Haim, before Hollywood tore him apart. And Busey is in his prime here. The film is family-friendly if you’re looking for a film for kids that still appeals to adults.

Although you might have to explain Busey’s line that he’s more nervous “then a virgin on prom night.”

Retro Cinema is a new column that reviews a different retro horror film every Monday. Subscribe at the top of the page for updates on new film reviews, interviews and horror news.

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