Ten Years of the Madness, Week TWO

Ten Years of the Madness, Week TWO

I didn’t follow my own advice to keep up with my summary all week and have suffered for it. Plus, I hit the week two slump, so I’m pretty sure we have a new leader… but that’s what makes this interesting, right?

Better Watch Out opening weekend – 10 points

I watched Sunday so it’s on this week’s summary:

Better Watch Out
2017
Time:
Points: 6
Bonuses: 2017 release
Summary: What an evil little shit. I know the ending was good, but I would have like to see the moment the little shit was busted.
8.5 out of 10 YEARS OF THE MADNESS

Evil Genius Challenge: 2 + 8 point bonus = 10 points

For some reason I thought we had to do two movies, then realized it was a bonus only for one.

Nightmare on Elm Street
1984
Time: 104 minutes
Points: 2
Bonuses:
Summary: I’m not really afraid of any movies, but this one scared the shit out of me the first time I watched it, and is stilscary despite the bad acting that adds humor. High rating for the scare factor and giving the world Johnny Depp
9 out of 10 YEARS OF THE MADNESS!

Audition
1999
Time: 115 minutes
Points: 8
Bonuses: Evil Genius
Summary: Yeah, I know you need to build up characters but a lot of dead time for most of the movie. At first, I was like “acupuncture needles? really?” then she went for the eyes and the whole cutting string thing.
6 out of 10 YEARS OF THE MADNESS!

Friday the 13th Viewing Party – 25 points

Friday the 13th bonus – 6 points

Watching Friday the 13th on Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th
1980
Time: 95 minutes
Points: 6
Bonuses: Friday the 13th bonus
Summary: This is a classic… what else can you say? I love Kevin Bacon.
9 out of 10 YEARS OF THE MADNESS

American Horror Story binge – 6X4= 24 points

I finally decided to get caught up on the current season. I didn’t write a review with each episode as a I watched, so I confess the details from episode to episode are a little fuzzy here.

AHS: Cult Ep 1
2017
Time: 1 hr
Points: 4
Bonuses: ATB for current season
Summary: This is plenty scary enough even before you introduce the crazy cult murderers. Hell, the opening credits with the Trump mask terrifies me.
9 out of 10 YEARS OF THE MADNESS!

AHS: Cult Ep 2
2017
Time: 1 hr
Points: 4
Bonuses: ATB for current season
Summary: AHS tends to start strong then go too campy for my taste, but so far so good. They are keeping it scary for the most part.
9 out of 10 YEARS OF THE MADNESS!

AHS: Cult Ep 3
2017
Time: 1 hr
Points: 4
Bonuses: ATB for current season
Summary: Not only is the story staying scary, but obviously, the parallel to reality is just a little too close for comfort.
9 out of 10 YEARS OF THE MADNESS!

AHS: Cult Ep 4
2017
Time: 1 hr
Points: 4
Bonuses: ATB for current season
Summary: I know there is a scary clowns theme with the cult masks, but not getting the connection of the homicidal clown from Freakshow in this season.
9 out of 10 YEARS OF THE MADNESS!

AHS: Cult Ep 5
2017
Time: 1 hr
Points: 4
Bonuses: ATB for current season
Summary: Another shining example of what conniving assholes people can be. Specifically, Sarah’s wife.
9 out of 10 YEARS OF THE MADNESS!

AHS: Cult Ep 6
2017
Time: 1 hr
Points: 4
Bonuses: ATB for current season
Summary: I suppose I wll go back at some point and watch the on-demand unedited version, but the episode doesn’t seem to need it to move the story along. What the hell were you thinking Sarah Paulson?
9 out of 10 YEARS OF THE MADNESS!

2017 Release Movies 4X6 = 24 points

The Axe Murders of Villisca
12/2016
Time: 78 minutes
Points: 6
Bonuses: 12/2016-2017 release
Summary: Being an actual paranormal junkie, I hate these movies where stupid paranormal investigators go to investigate a haunting and get in over their heads. Cliche. Just all die already.
3 out of 10 YEARS OF THE MADNESS

Alien: Covenant
2017
Time: 123 minutes
Points: 6
Bonuses: 2017 release
Summary: Am I the only one who thinks the actress playing the heroine is sort of a Jennifer Lawrence substitute? LIke they gave her a crappy haircut and no makeup to show how smart and heroic she is.
6 out of 10 YEARS OF THE MADNESS!

Death Note
2017
Time: 101 minutes
Points: 6
Bonuses: 2017 release
Summary: Teen revenge indulgence film. Who hasn’t wished they could write the name of a high school jackass in a notebook and they die? But nice twist on the using it to kill baddies all over the world.
7 out of 10 YEARS OF THE MADNESS!

The Bye-Bye Man
2017
Time: 101 minutes
Points: 6
Bonuses: 2017 release
Summary: I thought this was a pretty good movie and fairly original. I wish we would get more creepy, unusal horror films like this
7 out of 10 YEARS OF THE MADNESS

Video Nasties 2X6 = 12 points

The Evil Dead
1981
Time: 85 minutes
Points: 6
Bonuses: Video Nasty
Summary: This is ranked as a video nasty? Seriously? Oh well, I’ll take the sweet ATB for a movie I was going to watch anyway.
10 out of 10 YEARS OF THE MADNESS

The Last House on the Left
1972
Time: 84 minutes
Points: 6
Bonuses: Video Nasty
Summary: Wes Craven wasn’t just about big horror franchises, but got his hands dirty with this explpoitation shocker. NOt my cup of tea, but effective.
6 out of 10 YEARS OF THE MADNESS

TV – Ghost Adventures/Kindred Spirits 2X4= 8 points

I almost forgot my Saturday night ritual of Ghost Adventures and my screener for Kindred Spirits

Ghost Adventures
2017
Time:  60 minutes
Points: 4
Bonuses: Current Season
Summary: Newest episode in Vicksburg, MS, which is where I used to live. And yes, my house was haunted. See full recap  
here.
8 out of 10 YEARS OF THE MADNESS

KIndred Spirits
2017
Time: 60 minutes
Points: 4
Bonuses: Current season
Summary: I love Amy and Adam but this episode was a bit slow… as one would expect with real pararnormal investigators with integrity.
7 out of 10 YEARS OF MADNESS

 

The Madness: Circus Week 2!

The Madness: Circus Week 2!

I think that Friday evening and Saturday off killed my momentum, as I was enjoying the quiet of no TV (and no screaming) and had a hard time getting back in the groove. I also found myself this week wanting to do some non clown horror. I figure it will even out in the end when I would have run out later in The Madness anyway. Hey, it’s Halloween season and I can’t neglect all my other favorite horror movies, right? (Rhetorical question) So here it is: Week 2 is a little weak, but then it was last year for me too as I was doing a temp job all week and couldn’t watch much.

Sorry, I’m a bit late… I created a template for the last two weeks and I swear I am going to keep up a lot better this time so I’m not doing my whole round-up at once.

theatrebizarre090277a

(Photo of creepy clowns at Theatre Bizarre by me)Special Bonuses

No outside events this week. I’ve been a workaholic recluse. And broke. 🙁

Movies/TV

Sunday

The Devil’s Rejects
6 points
ATB for homicidal clown, and sex with a clown
Okay, Capt Spaulding is in this one as well as HOTC, but he is only wearing the clown makeup this time rather than the whole suit, but we know he does the whole get up and gets angry when people diss clowns, so he clearly identifies as a clown. That’s my argument. This is a homage to retro exploitation horror, with Sherri Moon and Bill Mosely terrorizing two couples and sexually humiliating the women in particular. Otis’ look is considerably tamed down from HOTC, and he’s more like a homicidal Greg Allman. The woman replacing Karen Black sucks and was too over the top. Great music, but I’m a little pissed at Rob Zombie for using “Freebird” at the end, because I always wanted to write a “going out in blaze of glory” scene to that song. Fucker.
1:47
3 out of 5 creepy clowns

The Creeping Flesh
2 points
No Bonuses
Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee… SIGH. No clowns in this, but this has always been one of my favorite movies with these two. I can’t really pin down why, but I know when I watched it at a young, impressionable age, it scared me. Hence, it has become a favorite “comfort” movie like the horror movie equivalent of mac and cheese.
1:34
5 out of 5 creepy clowns

The Company of Wolves
2 points
No bonuses
Another clown free movie but one of my favorite dark fariy tales and werewolf movies. I love the strange tics of the actor playing the Big Bad Wolf in this Little Red Riding Hood homage. And the subtle, but very present sexuality in his performance. We need more werewolves likethis, please. ‘Kay thanks.
1:35
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

Sunday total: 10 points

 

Monday/Tuesday

AHS: Freakshow Episodes 1 – 13
39 points
ATB for homicidal clown (Twisty then Dandy)
(This is one story/movie broken down into installments so I am treating it as one movie/mini series) I think this is probably my favorite season of AHS of all. While the New Orleans Coven started strong, it degenerated into campy muck and I hated that. I’m sure my obsession with dark carnivals and being the outcast has a lot to do with this as well. The backstories of the characters are heartbreaking and really elevate the whole thing, although Ryan Murphy always finds a way to make a few missteps each season, but this one is as close to flawless as it gets for me. Loved Jessica Lange’s German accent covers of Bowie and Lana. And also loved the great use of that sort of surreal quality Wes Bentley has. I can’t put my finger on it, but he has a sort of dreamy, otherwordly vibe about him. The Tupperware Massacre is hilarious, and a case where the campy factor works well. The Orphans episode is heartbreaking. Someone please give that actress who has played Pepper an Emmy already.
1:00 each = 13:00
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

Monday/Tuesday Total: 39 points

 

Wednesday

Splash Area: Night of the Freaks
6 points
ATB for homicidal clown
Maybe it was the porn scene right before it, but for a second there I thought that dude was Ron Jeremy from his profile. Now that’s a fucking horror. These idiots try to get away from someone chasing them by climbing up the tower on playground equipment, like 4 feet off the ground? Just kill them already for terminal stupidity. This is trying to be the raunchy horror version of The Princess Bride with Ron Jeremy telling kids a story. Murderous gang in clown makeup, although there is some little trick or treater running around in full clown costume. Kill someone already you little shit so I can get my ATB for this garbage! Wait, they are practising some clown schtick in a room with amusement park crap, so I am calling them clowns by profession, and Ron Jeremy is referring to them as clowns. ATB!
1:30
1 out of 5 creepy clowns

Jingles the Clown
6 points
ATB for homicidal clown
Welcome to the Crackers and Jingles Show? That just screams homicidal clown. Hey wait, “Tommy Brunswick” sounds familiar. And so is John Anton… I worked with some of these people when I did stills photography for Lee Martin’s The Midnight Hour in Detroit! For the sake of being nice, I don’t have much more to say about this, although it is better than most of the independent horror films I have been watching. But oh,some bad acting in there.
1:23
2 out of 5 creepy clowns

Scary or Die
6 points
ATB for homicidal clown
I was a little irritated at this for using a clown on the poster, implying a lot of clown action in this anthology. Fortunately there was one story where this poor guy is bit by the kid’s party clown from hell with Tim Curry “It” teeth,and he transforms into a sort of zombie clown, including going from African-American to his skin turning into the color of greasepaint. Dig that white afro. The other stories were pretty good, especially “Taejung’s Lament” with a good mix of horror in this five story antho.
1:34
3.5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Wednesday Total: 18 points

 

Thursday

Silver Bullet
2 points
No bonuses
We’re approaching the full moon, so I start getting antsy for werewolf movies. Busey. Haim. Stephen King. Werewolf priests. How can you go wrong?
1:35
5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Lord of Illusions
2 points
No bonuses
One of my favorite movies of all time, and a tragically underrated one by Clive Barker. Interesting note: Barker did a short monologue on a Criss Angel song before he became famous.Lord of Illusions is about an illusionist pretending to be fake when he is real. Is life imitating art? You decide.
1:35
5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Evil Dead
3 points
Bruce Campbell wildcard
Even without the wildcard, this is mandatory every Halloween season. I normally like my horror straight up horror with little or no humor, but Bruce Campbell always delivers exceptions to the rule. I favor this one over ED2.
1:49
5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Evil Dead 2
3 points
Bruce Campbell wildcard
Where the original had soem genuinely creepy things mixed into the humor (cellar girl, “we’re gonna get you…”) this is just straight up slapstick comedy. But it’s not a bad thing. Bruce Campbell is still a silver fox, but damn, he was smokin’ back then.
1:24
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

 

Thursday Total: 10 points

 

Friday

Supernatural S12 E1
1 point
No bonuses
Yeah, I know this show jumped the shark a long time ago, but I love the characters and J2. Sue me. Mama Winchester has been resurrected and Cass is kicking ass. Crowley remains Crowley ( I always get Ozzy Osbourne in my head when he is on screen… “Mr. Crowley, what went on in your head?…”
1:00
3 out of 5 creepy clowns

Viewing party

The Houses That October Built
(6 points)
ATB for homicidal clown
Annoying character you sort of root for to die right away,and that “twist” ending that they hunters were the hunted was so obvious to us, as it should have been to them when creepy doll girl showed up the second time. DUH. However, the ending has some good scares, imagining yourself in that situation, and particularly bad for claustrophobics. And I love getting a glimpse into Halloween haunts.
1:31
3 out of 5 creepy clowns

Mockingbird
(6 points)
ATB for homicidal clown
I was like “Oh God, another found footage movie,” but Leonard fucking rocks. That’s all you need to know.
1:21
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

Stitches
(6 points)
ATB for homicidal clown
More douchebag kids who deserve to die. Very reminiscent of We All Scream for Ice Cream with the fatal clown accident, then return from the dead for revenge. The egg tradition was interesting — didn’t know that about “copyrighting” their face designs on ceramic eggs.
1:26
2 out of 5 creepy clowns

Triple Play Viewing party Bonus: 25 points

Friday total: 26 points

 

Saturday

Secrets of the Clown
6 points
ATB for homicidal clown
We just go right to big, fake boobies, don’t we? He’s a sleazy looking guy wearing a necklace. Kill them already. Yes! Homicidal clown for the ATB! Psychic goth girl picks up on clown killer.  Uh-oh, something up with that clown doll. Jesus, I know it’s low bduget, but that doesn’t have to mean stupid… love the microscope in the hospital room. Clown doll in a microwave? Bad dialogue, bad acting,bad set dressing. Bad, bad, bad.
1:41
1 out of 5 creepy clowns

Fear of Clowns 2
6 points
ATB for homicidal clown
Jesus, amateur hour again. Can someone instruct budding horror filmmakers about the concept of LIGHTING. Colourophobia reference, Monica Lewinsky moderating press conference. There are some seriously scary clown makeups here. How is someone’s car on fire funny? I knew he helped them find her. What a dick.
1:47
2 out of 5 creepy clowns

Exorcist III
2 points
No bonuses
No clowns, just wanted a creepy movie. George C. Scott is so oevr the top, but love so many creepy things about this movie. The kill methods, the religous imagery, the dream sequence withteh angel swing band… and those scary big shears.
1:50
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

The Forest
2 points
No bonuses
I hate it when people do stupid shit, and they deserve what they get when they do. A) twin sister going into suicide forest (which is a  real thing) B) protagonist sister being stubborn and insisting on staying when they could have easily come back the next morning with the guide  C) following the girl who is obviously a ghost and D) leaving the fucking campsite. This is another idea I am pissed someone did because I saw a documentary on this forest and wated to write something about it. Fucker.
1:33
3 out of 5 creepy clowns

Saturday Total: 16 points

 

Weekly Point Total: 119 points

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THE MADNESS: CIRCUS Week 1!

THE MADNESS: CIRCUS Week 1!

Outside Events

Attended Scarefest in Lexington KY for Friday and Saturday. – 2 points

The Head Hauntress had a hard time accessing the event website to create personal challenges as it was overloaded, but per the FB group post, this video of Gwar saying “Enjoy the Madness” is at least 20 points –  20 points

Circus envy video – did you tell me 10 points for this? Can’t find where I asked.

31 panel with discussions of killer clowns – 10 points?

Celebrity Ghost Hunt with Chip Coffey and Ghost Hunt Weekends crew – We investigated the James Pepper Distillery which is being renovated, and were the first group to ever get access to the site. We were divided into three groups, and two different groups made contact with a “Bob” through a spirit box. Our group also had a strange thermal image on a brick wall, plus we kept getting pleas for help from someone named “Ethel.” 2 points

Up to 54 points pending The Hauntresses ruling on the videos given she could not access the Scarefest site prior to teh event to issue personal challenges in advance

Secret Bonuses This Week (Summaries Below)

Here’s  a summary of what I think may be the secret bonuses for quick scanning. These are my guesses that I watched this week, as there are multiple options for some.

10 POINTS
1920 – Dark Carnival – The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari
1982 – Scary Clown Doll – Poltergeist. Duh.
1983 – Dark Carnival – Something Wicked This Way Comes
1990 – Traveling Circus – The Rainbow Thief
1992 – Rockband Clowns – Bad Channels
1997 – Demonic Clown – Spawn
2007 – Back for Revenge Clown – We All Scream for Ice Cream, (100 Tears, Dead Silence)
2007 – Serial Killer Clown – Drive Thru, (Fraternity Massacre at Hell Island)
2009 – Scary Clown Doll – The Hole
2010 – Happy vs Sad Clown – The Last Circus

15 POINTS
1980 – Rockband Clowns – Terror on Tour
1987 – Happy but Scary Singing Clown – Blood Harvest
2003 – Clown as Profession (Documentary) – Capturing the Friedmans

20 POINTS (NON HORROR but ACCEPTED GENRE)
2010 – Clown Gang STILL NO FUCKING CLUE

Maximum of 145 points

________________________________________

Sunday

House of 1000 Corpses
6 points
ATB for homicidal clown, you middle class, Malibu Barbie pieces of shit.
I know this is one of those movies people love or hate. I happen to love it. Derivative? One man’s “derivative” is another’s “homage.” It takes me back to a lot of old horror films I love, even if Rob Zombie tried to pack too many ideas into one film. You have to give props to a film with Karen Black, Walt Goggins, Chris Hardwick and a soundtrack that includes Buck Owens.
1:45
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

Amusement
6 points
ATB for homicidal clown/attack by a clown “doll.”
Not just creepy clown dolls, including a life size one, but a creepy laugh. Nice twists and turns that I missed the first time around, although they seem quite obvious now when watching.
1:25
3.5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Poltergeist
6 or 10 points for secret bonus
ATB for attacking clown doll
I hadn’t seen this movie in a long time, and while some of it stands the test of time well, but that scene where the invesigator looks in the bedroom for the first time is just ridiculous, as is a steak sliding across the counter. Also, JoBeth WIlliam’s joy at living in a house where chairs and children slide across the floor. Hint: That’s where you are supposed to get the hell out, not after Satan drags your child off to another dimension. There’s a “life hack” for you.
1:54
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari
6 or 10 points if secret bonus
ATB for homicidal clown/mime
Oh how I wish I had kept up my German. Classic surreall set design and creepy killer.
1:07
4.5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Halloween Wars
4 points per Hauntress challenge
Elvira is back like every season to judge edible Halloween scenes. The short challenge involved evil selfies, and then the big witch and warlock face off. Team Sugar Psychoes took both and are off to a strong start. 1:00
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

It
9 points
ATB for homicidal clown
What is that crazy thing Tim Curry does when he talks, the way he curls his lips, that is so creepy? Classic Stephen King miniseries and the creepiest clown ever, quite possibly. Yet another unnecessary remake of a classic. We ALL float down here…
3:07
5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Monday

Something Wicked this Way Comes
6 or 10 points if secret bonus
Secret bonus or ATB for Dark Carnival collecting souls
This may very well be the ultimate dark carnival movie: a very creepy (and spidery) fortuneteller; a dignified dealmaking devil; and Jason Robards for the win. I hate spiders, so anyone who has seen this knows there is a particularly bad scene in this one for arachnaphobes. I did find it odd When Mr. Dark (Jonathan Pryce) asked Jason Robards where the boys were. You can make people young again but you can’t find the boys yourself through telepahy or something?
1:35
5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Spawn
3 or 10 points for secret bonus
Wild Card John Leguizamo
Oh HELL no,he did not just eat that piece of pizza with live maggots on it. John Leguizamo is insane in real life as well as his portrayal; of the demented clown in Spawn. This movie is so sad for poor Spawn, but so deliciously full of evil fun with Leguizamo.
1:36
3.5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Terror on Tour
6 or 10 points if secret bonus
Secret bonus or ATB for homicidal clown and multiple instances of sex with clowns
Dear God, I know this was supposed to be a riff on Kiss, but who came up with that makeup? And who choose those afros? Those mime leotards? PS. We can tell you totally ripped off the riff from AC/DC’s “Let There Be Rock.”
1:27
2 out of 5 creepy clowns for so bad it’s good factor

The Last Circus
6 or 10 points if secret bonus
Secret bonus or ATB for homicidal clown
Sweet baby, Jesus, I wanted to like this, but for the love of god that narrator never SHUT UP. I don’t mind foreign films and subtitles, but the Spanish chatter was non stop, even when characters weren’t saying anything and it continued well into credits. SHUT UP for chrissakes. Which is shame because as annoyed with it as I was, I could see some great filmmaking, and loved the last scene. In hindsight, I should have just turned the sound off because I think it would have worked just fine on subtitiles and performances alone. Bizarre love triangle between an acrobat, and her abusive “happy” clown husband, and “sad clown” nice boyfriend. Ultimately, they destroy her with their fighting.
2:05
2 out of 5 creepy clowns due to non stop chatter

The Rainbow Thief
2 or 10 points if secret bonus

Secret bonus or Wild Card ALEJANDRO JODOROWSKY
I freely admit Emily tipped me off to this one when she saw the wild card list. And she had it on her Plex. I had never heard of it, which is amazing witgh Christopher Lee, who plays an eecentric old rich man. Dalmatians at the table eating caviar and humans being fed big bones, and a harem of scantily clad females in a rainbow of colors fawning over him as he rides his saddle scooter that serves as his wheelchair. Plus Peter O’Toole and Omar Shariff. PS. When you shock someone in cardiac arrest, if you are touching the bed you get shocked too. That’s why we say “CLEAR!” And chicks dig Christopher Lee
1:29

4 out of 5 creepy clowns

Ash Vs Evil Dead Weekly challenge 201
6 points for special challenge
I know it’s the same schtick as from last season, but for some reason I found this funnier than usual. Ash better be careful sidling up to Lucy Lawless, even if she is a hot MILF.
.5
5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Tuesday

Dead Silence
6 points or 10 for secret bonus
ATB for attacking clown doll or secret bonus
A lot of people don’t like this movie but I think it is creepy as hell. Donnie Wahlberg is over the top at being over the top, but I can forgive that. I love creepy dolls, even if I missed that madness.
1:29
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

The Hole
6 points or 10 for secret bonus
ATB for clown doll attack-or secret bonus
I hadn’t seen this till last year’s madness, but that creepy jester mad a lasting impression on me. Nice cameo with Bruce Dern, who is awesome.
1:32
3.5 out of 5 creepy clowns

100 Tears
6 points or 10 points for secret bonus
ATB for homicidal clown or secret bonus
The opening credits were promising, then it went straight to hell, and not in a good way. Poor lighting, sound, writing and acting. No suspense, backstory etc, just jumps right in. When the best part of your movie is using Voltaire’s “When You’re Evil,” you have a problem
1:30
1 out of 5 creepy clowns

Drive Thru
6 or 10 points if secret bonus
ATB for homicidal clown or secret bonus
“Fast food kills, fuckers!” Indeed. This is a scary clown makeup, and this is how you do cheeky horror satire. Awesome cameo by Morgan Spurlock as a fast food joint manager. (“Super Size Me” dude)
1:23
3 out of 5 creepy clowns

Batman Returns
6 points
ATB for homicidal clowns
I only watched this because I was hoping there was a rock band clown scene in here as I hadn’t found it yet. I really can’t stand Michael Keaton as Batman, although I love Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman and Danny DeVito as The Penguin.
2:06
3 out of 5 creepy clowns

Clown Town
12 points
Special double bonus this week
What’s worse than a killer clown? Why, a whole gang of killer clowns. Especially really scary ones as these are. I suspect the “based on real events” element is mighty slim here. Or hope so.
1:26
4 out of 5 creepy clowns

Wednesday

Bad Channels
2 points or 10 for secret bonus
I never thought I would find that damn 1992 rock band clowns movie. Emily was vexed too, till I finally saw this rock themed movie and thought, there has to be a clown band in there somewhere. And there was. Martha Quinn of MTV VJ fame as an intrepid reporter who stumbles on a radio stationn taken over by aliens kidnapping and minaturizing women. Yeah.
1:28
3 out of 5 creepy clowns

Blood Harvest
3 points or 10 for secret bonus
Wild Card Tiny Tim or secret bonus, although I’m not sure how “happy” he is while being scary
Just weird Tiny Tim vehicle that feels more 70s than 1987. I figured out the end long before the end. Loads of gratuitous nudity, including some full frontal. Normally i woudl complain about the alck of equal male:female nudity, but given this stars Tiny Tim that is probably a good thing.
1:28
2 out of 5 creepy clowns

AHS: Roanoke E3 and E4
2 points total
Had to catch up on this series, which is a far cry from the over the top Hotel and Freakshow. I’m keeping an open mind, but it is a bit slow, and the real life vs re enactments a bit gimmicky. Just tell the story.
2:00
3 out of 5 creepy clowns

The Crow
6 points
ATB for homicidal mime
I know this doesn’t need a remake, but I love Jason Momoa, so I am keeping an open mind. He has beena fan of the movie and is relaly into it, and if you have seen Road to Paloma, you  can see he may be able to pull this off. He can do more than muscle men and super heroes. But nothing and no one will ever replace Brandon Lee, RIP.
1:42
5 out of 5 creepy clowns

The Crow: City of Angels
6 points
ATB for homocidal mime
Not quite as successful as the original, but still great eye candy with a darker fetish-y theme. And oh, how Iggy Pop shines here!
1:24
3 out of 5 creepy clowns

Thursday

Clownhouse
6 points
ATB for homicidal clowns
I freakin’ LOVE this movie! it’s a shame the director got caught up in some pedo controversy, and the film was buried. Three lunatics escape from the asylum and disguise themselves as clowns, terrorizing this poor kid who was already afraid of clowns. That’s gonna be a huge therapy bill!
1:21
5 out of 5 creepy clowns

The Funhouse
6 points
ATB for Dark carnival ride
Now this is a classic. Tobe Hooper has some stupid kids decide to spend the night in the funhouse, only to discover some sociopathic owners and a disfured freak in real life. Can’t help but think Tiny in House of 1000 Corpses was influenced by this. We know Rob Zombie loves those vintage horror films.
1:36
5 out of 5 creepy clowns

Capturing the Friedmans
10 points for secret bonus (pretty sure this is right for documentary)
Documentary about a teacher andsometime clown performer arrested for child pornography, as well as one of his sons. The documentary features footage of the ordeal shot by the family as well as new footage that calls into question whether these men actually molested anyone. (The father admitted to being a pedophile and having child pornography but supposedly plead guilty to save his son with a plea deal.) As it turned out, the son served time as well. And that poor wife/mother as the outcast in her own home with her husband and three boys who bonded and made their own clique. Very sad.
1:47
4.5 out of 5 creepy clowns

We All Scream for Ice Cream
3 or 10 points for secret bonus
ATB for homicidal clown
What happens when voodoo meets ice cream trucks vendors from beyond. Tasty treats that leave their targets in a melty gooey mess.Kind of silly, but fun.
57 minutes
3.5 out of 5 stars

Fraternity Massacre at Hell Island
6 points or 10 for secret bonus
ATB for homicidal cown or secret bonus
Dear lord, I can’t say I have ever seen anything quite like this. I knwo it wasn’t meant ot be taken seriously, but isi ti really the good kind of bad. Not really. Except I love how the homicidal clown dances over dead bodies. That bit is a keeper.
1:20
2 out of 5 creepy clowns

93 points if secret bonus guesses are correct (I didn’t count my first guesses in this total, but everything else)

max possible: 54 + 145 + 93 = 292

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Creepy crawlers in tiny spaces: Interview with ‘Crawl or Die’s’ Nicole Alonso

Creepy crawlers in tiny spaces: Interview with ‘Crawl or Die’s’ Nicole Alonso

Horror has earned a bit of a bad rap with women over the years, often making them weak and vulnerable, and of course, naked. Hey, we get it guys; you like boobs. It’s not a crime. But when a movie has a kickass female lead — and doesn’t use gratuitous flesh to sell itself — it’s a pretty cool thing and a refreshing change.  Plus, if you add in super tight spaces and a spider-like, ravenous alien in those tight spaces, you’re bound to get the attention of a claustrophobic or arachnophobic horror fan.

But god help you if you have both, because “Crawl or Die” — billed correctly as the most claustrophobic movie ever made — will reduce you to a fetal position. Star and producer Nicole Alonso sat down for an exclusive interview to talk about the film, directed by Oklahoma Ward.

The Queen of Scream: I watched the “Crawl or Die” even though I’m so claustrophobic. But I had kind of missed that whole part in the plot about the spider-like alien thing, because that’s my other fear, spiders. So yeah, that was an extra special treat for me.

Nicole Alonso: Oh, that’s great! You’re going to see in the next one, we have a whole scene with tarantulas so you’re going to love that.

TQOS: Oh God, that’s it, I’m fast-forwarding through that part. I kept thinking I wanted to fast forward through this, but it was like no, no don’t fast forward, be professional.

NA: Hey, I understand.

TQOS: You weren’t just the lead actress in this movie, but you were also a producer and you did the song for it. So how did you get involved with this project?

NA: Well, I actually met the director, Oklahoma Ward, when I auditioned for his first film and I got a small role in that. And then after that we actually became roommates for a while and so we were working together. And then after about a year we ended up dating, and then he and I kind of launched into this project together, “Crawl or Die.” He began writing it, and then we lived in L.A. at the time and we ended up moving out to Tulsa, Oklahoma to build the set and film the movie, and we just kind of worked on the whole thing together. So that’s kind of how I have all these roles in it and got involved in doing all of that other stuff for the movie too.

TQOS: So you guys do live in Oklahoma now?

NA: Yeah, we live in Oklahoma. We were living in L.A. and we kind of got back and were like, you know it’s just too expensive to do what we need to do. We needed a huge set in order to be able to build all of the tunnels, and in L.A. it’s just ridiculously expensive. The land out here is super cheap and he grew up here so he has family here and he knows people here. So we came out, built the studio and piece of property, and just filmed it all here.

TQOS: Well that’s the great thing about all of the great technology and the high definition cameras available now. It’s so expensive to live in L.A., but having access to all this great stuff makes it easier for people to live in other to do films independently do where they don’t have to be working 60 hours a week just to support themselves. They can actually be artists.

NA: Right, yeah. That’s kind of what our deciding factor was. Because we were basically like, we’re living in L.A. and basically working just to pay our rent, and it was ridiculous. We weren’t creating. So we decided it was just better for us to get out of there and now we’ve made a movie, so I’d say it was worth it.

TQOS: And it’s a great result at what looks like a really reasonable budget. Because even though the set is big, it is probably a pretty low budget because you simply built tunnels, although you do have the special effects of the creature. But even with that, I was thinking it’s probably not really a huge budget because you did keep your set so simple.

NA: We were definitely low budget and you’re right, most of the money pretty much went to the creature and then post production. But for the most part we were really low budget. I can’t say actually how much, but you know.

TQOS: And the creature is animatronic, right?

NA: Yeah, it was a guy who designed a suit that he wore, and he had a head that he would put on and stuff like that. It was basically controlled by three or four people who controled the arms. So it wasn’t electronic or anything like that, it was basically more like a puppet.

TQOS: It looked really good, and you could tell that it wasn’t CGI, thank goodness. Well, thank goodness for most people. For some of us it’s like, oh thank you for that extra dose of scary reality.

NA: I wanted us to do CGI, but with the budget they were telling us for that, we were like no. Unless you can have “Planet of the Apes” quality CGI, it’s just going to look cheesy and bad. So we went with a real monster instead.

TQOS: Well when Oklahoma said to you “Hey, I’ve got this great idea for a movie. It’s about this woman that’s in these really tight spaces and they just keep getting smaller and smaller and smaller,” did you have any reservations? I mean do you have any kind of claustrophobia?

NA: I actually don’t. And when he told me the idea I really liked the idea and thought it was unique and so great. And I was like, “Yeah, I’m not claustrophobic, so I’ll be fine.” But you don’t realize once you’re in those tunnels, it’s a whole different ballgame because the tunnels were real. We built them, but they were real 50-foot tunnels. There was no cutout, no opening in the tunnels or anything, so once you’re in, the only way to get out is to crawl forwards or backwards. It did become scary at times because in the smaller tunnels I couldn’t move my arms or legs so I just had to kind of worm through and it was intense. But I think it was totally worth it for the final product.

TQOS: Well, that obviously would help your performance. And also the fact that you did have something real and tangible to work with, the creature that was hunting you down.

NA: Yeah, and it’s interesting because we originally filmed it without a creature. You just basically heard the creature and you never really got to see it. And through test audiences and our sales agency, the test audiences loved it but the one thing they all said was we’d like to see the creature at the end. And the sales agency kind of said the same thing, so they gave us a little budget to do the creature but we only had about three weeks to put the creature in the whole movie. So it’s kind of crazy. And we’re looking forward to the sequel, because I know we’ll have a lot more time to spend on the creature and make it more elaborate and kind of explain more about it and all that kind of stuff. But yeah, it was interesting working with the creature, because like I said it was a puppet, and there was four guys working the arms and all, so you had to work together to get the shot.

TQOS: You did mention the sequel, and actually it’s a trilogy. It’s going to be a trilogy correct?

NA: Yes.

TQOS: So I already know now that tarantulas are going to figure prominently somewhere in the next installment —  oh boy, can’t wait for that arachnaphobe that I am — but what other things can we expect? Can you give us maybe some little teasers? You don’t want to give too much away obviously, but in the next two installments what kind of things can we look for?

NA: Right. Well obviously I can’t give too much away, and actually the director is very good about, not telling me a whole lot; he keeps things secret. It’s under wraps. But I do know some things. I know that a lot of stuff from this first film will get explained in the second film. Like Earth 2 and why she’s the last woman who can become pregnant, and a little more about the virus, and it ‘s definitely going to be more, there will be more information about Tank, and definitely some crazy new claustrophobic scenes that again I can’t give too much away but, all new situations that she’ll get to get in. So it’ll be really fun and a lot of stuff I know the fans are wanting explained will be explained.

TQOS: That’ll be nice to kind of get the backstory, but for the life of me I can’t imagine how you could possibly push it farther than that last crawling sequence. Because I was like “Oh hell no; just let that spider thing get me already. And obviously I hate spiders, so that’s how claustrophobic you got there at the end.  don’t think my cat could have fit through that space, great fat beast that he is. But it’s great to see a strong female lead, and the fact that it’s not something that exploits women. Because we all know, that is a part of horror and always will be,  but it was really nice to see a strong female. lead who didn’t have to get naked at all. Was that something that was really important to you in the role?

NA: Oh definitely. I know it was important to myself and the director. He was very influenced by films like “Alien”  and he was like I don’t want you to be [nude].  Of course, the distributors and all were like “we need nudity,” but he was like absolutely not, that’s not what this is about. And I think for us it was most important to show that yes, Tank is strong, yes she’s determined and she keeps fighting, but she’s not Rambo. She’s not a guy. She has emotion, she’s afraid, she has weak moments, but I think the point is that she never gives up and she just will fight through everything to keep going. And I think that’s what makes her so badass, is that she’s mentally strong. She doesn’t quit. And I think it was important for us to show that, that she wasn’t Rambo. She’s not going to take down everybody, but she’s a strong person.

TQOS: And there was actually a really vulnerable scene, as you were getting down where there with just the two of you left, and at that point, the other person was almost the stronger of the two of you, but then you kind of bounced back. But there was that vulnerable moment.

NA: Yeah. I do think it was a good balance for her, because I think anyone in that situation would of course be terrified and I think it was cool to play her that way. To show that, I don’t think she ever would have given up, but I definitely think she has moments of questioning if she could keep going. And it was fun to sort of show the both sides of that.

TQOS: There’s also going to be a comic book coming out, so it was that something that was part of the idea from the beginning? Or was it something that’s kind of come along afterwards?

NA: We always wanted to have a comic book, and I know with the deals we made with our distributor we made sure to keep the rights to do things like that, but it wasn’t intended to be so soon. But when it came out in Japan we had such a huge response in Japan from the fans, and actually they were sending in artwork for us, like fan art, drawing pictures of Tank. This one artist in particular sent us this amazing fan art, and we were like “Oh my God, we’d love it to do a comic book with you.” And he was stunned that we asked him, and he really was in to doing it, so we headed down the path with a translator to work all the details out, and he’s now creating our comic book. And I’ve got to say, it really looks awesome. I can’t wait to put it out there. It’s coming out really cool.

TQOS: Are you going to keep the iconic hair? Or are we going to see changes in color? Because that is so perfect for the whole comic book and for the movie.

NA: Oh, yeah. In the comic book definitely, it’s the mohawk all the way, the same hair, so yeah. It’ll be the same color. The comic book is actually mostly black and white, so it’s all going to be the same color. Tank is definitely the mohawk, that’s her thing.

TQOS: Have you filmed the sequel, the second part of the trilogy yet?

NA: We haven’t filmed it yet. I know Oklahoma has it written and he knows the story and all that. We’re finishing up the promotion of this film which will probably be for another four to five months, and then we’re going to start looking at pre-production for the next movie. So probably six months down the road we’ll be starting pre-production and get to film it. So it’s exciting.

TQOS: Well then maybe it’ll be ready for next Halloween?

NA: Maybe — I hope so. Of course we’re going to try to get it done as quick as possible but we’ll see. Hopefully. Until then, you can check out Alonso in “Crawl or Die” on iTunes or Amazon, and also the indie film “Screen,” which you can rent or buy on Vimeo currently.

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The Blair Bigfoot Project

The Blair Bigfoot Project

Exists is not a bad movie. But it’s yet another in a far too long line of the “found footage” genre. I realize that Eduardo Sanchez has a certain claim to the genre as the director of the classic that started it all, The Blair Witch Proiect, but enough is enough. As a horror fan I am tired of this found footage shit. I’m going to stop reviewing them I’m so fed up with the cliche, but making an exception in honor of the first guy who did it.

Is this getting through filmmakers?

Anyway, it’s a shame Sanchez resorted to this gimmick because there are a lot of good things going for Exists. Unfortunately, however, not only is the found footage format tired, but it draws more attention to the blatant way Sanchez ripped off his own film in some of the plot details as well.

Don’t get me wrong, this movie has some very scary moments, and a very sad sense of melancholy set up by the opening credits. But it blatantly uses the strange noises in the woods, the “let’s take a shortcut” gimmick, and even the creepy lair of the creature at the end. All it needed was creepy handprints on the cave walls.

Plus, of course, what’s a found footage film without at least one “camera knocked to the ground” moment.

Oh, let’s not forget all the awkward explanations for filming when clearly anyone in their right mind would put the goddam camera down. Like when you are being attacked. You put the fucking camera down and fight. Seriously, you expect us to buy this shit someone would keep filming? Have none of you heard of suspension of disbelief?

Stop it. All of you making found footage films.

This movie could just as easily been made with a conventional narrative and been more effective. I also take issue with some plot points that don’t make sense, like the last confrontation and the aforementioned shortcut thing. I hate it when characters act in ways that make no sense.

Once again, this is not a bad movie, as the cast does a great job with the material and the lack of A-listers adds to the realism.  Even with the found footage gimmick and a couple of questionable plot points, if it hadn’t borrowed from The Blair Witch Project, this would be a very good movie for the most part.  If you don’t mind the repetition and can overlook those things, this could be a worthwhile addition to your DVD collection.

The DVD has some nice extra features, including a featurette on the creature creation, and a three part extra on filming in the woods for 21 days. You also get deleted scenes and the classic commentary track from Sanchez and writer Jamie Nash.

So this is definitely better than most found footage films, but no more people. That means you too, Eduardo Sanchez. Leave your Blair Witch Project legacy intact.

‘The Devil’s Hand’ gets DVD release

‘The Devil’s Hand’ gets DVD release

the-devils-hand

Oh come on… don’t go in there! (The Devil’s Hand)

The Devil's HandWhat happens when you have six girls born on the sixth day of the sixmonth in the same Amish community with deep religious beliefs? Why, a demonic legend surrounding them, of course. The latest creepy devil legend thriller is  The Devil’s Hand, now available on DVD. Is this movie worth buying for your personal collection?

The Devil’s Hand has some scary moments and some great twists, using misdirection to keep the ending in suspense as far as who is the killer. And somewhat suspenseful which one of the girl’s is the “Drommelkind” of legend, destined to become “the Devil’s hand” on her 18th birthday.

The cast is mostly relatively unknown actors whose faces you know if not their names, and young actors, with the exception of Jennifer Carpenter, aka Debra Morgan on Dexter. Unfortunately, Carpenter is tragically underused here, except to scowl and smirk throughout the entire film as the evil stepmother. Sorry, Dexter fans, no potty mouth here as the devout Rebekah.

If the lead actress seems familiar, it’s probably because Alysia Debnam Carey bears a striking resemblance to Taissa Farmiga of American Horror Story fame, and Sarah is portrayed by Leah Pipes, who bears a striking resemblance to Radha Mitchell.

The acting and script are better than average and this is a very respectable horror film, if there are the typical moments when a character does something stupid that hastens their demise (hiding in a well?)

Obviously if you really love the movie you’ll want the DVD for your collection, but sadly, there are no special features to add value, so your decision will come down to how much you love the movie yourself.